on being independent!!

clock the change in title

Jun 26, 2024

IM BAAAAAAAACK

much has happened since I last checked in and i can’t wait to share! definitely some ups and downs but i think im doing better on average.

i went to the desert (which was a time for sure!), celebrated my birthday, and got the ball rolling on work.

full disclosure, i’m currently struggling to get out of this apartment and am using writing this substack as motivation.

in anticipation of this post, i’ve been writing down my thoughts and observations in my notes app. its definitely weird reading some of it back when i’m in a different headspace, but i still resonate with those thoughts and am very excited to share them!

my goals last time were to put myself out there and learn to enjoy loneliness. i’m happy to say i’ve achieved both of those things (though i think of it now as independence and less loneliness)!!! here’s how it went:

6/16/24

ive now seen multiple people openly crying in public in santiago. one was alone watching the sun set on the andes, another was crying on her friends shoulder in the park. it shocked me. i’ve always been embarrassed and shy about crying. i remember trying to find dark corners around CMC’s campus where i could cry in private. i’m now realizing that it’s as important of an emotion as happiness or excitement or any of the other emotions that are not deemed shameful to experience in the public eye.
i realize i regularly list all the terrible things that happened to me in 2024. i told myself it was to justify my depressive episodes, but i want to stop doing this. i think its okay to let myself forget a little bit. but whats the line between forgetting and remembering to learn from the past? whats the merit in remembering the bad things that have happened? is learned ignorance bliss? for instance, i’ll of course always strongly remember my jedo, but i dont enjoy remembering his passing.
thoughts?

6/17

i always thought the easiest ways to transform myself were my clothes, hair, and makeup. after spending a lot of time observing people, im realizing that our eyes transform us so much. with eyes alone i can come off as playful, curious, or intimidating. my entire energy can shift with my eyes alone.
for the first week it was deeply uncomfortable to sit alone with my thoughts, but then that timed passed. initially, all i wanted to do was cry. its like i had opened the flood gates and all these nasty or sad thoughts i had pushed down were gushing to the surface. now, however, my thoughts are more often a gentle stream. i enjoy sitting alone and reflecting and observing. i get to exist purely in my mind and my imagination and its wonderful. as i reflect i realize i love who i’m becoming. or who i’m finding myself to be.
i like speaking to random people knowing that it won’t lead anywhere. i probably won’t see them again, and there’s no pressure to turn it into a long lasting friendship. instead, i get to share pieces of myself with different people and i think of my stories existing and living all over Santiago.

6/18

self improvement is a good thing, but it shouldnt be everything: i realized i had been taking ‘no phone time’ so seriously: instead of being on my phone i should be more productive! i should be working out and getting my steps in! i should be cleaning my room or reading to get smarter! now i realize that there’s a beauty in just being. just being has meant being fully seated in myself and my thoughts, not escaping into the fantasy world of a novel or losing myself in an endless scroll online. there’s no purpose to just being. it amazed me. im just thinking or humming or whatever. stunning.
i feel pretty and it doesn’t feel impermanent- like something could change and the beauty would slip away from me. like it was just the makeup or the dress or the fleeting confidence that made me temporarily pretty. this made me realize that every time i’ve felt beautiful it’s felt impermanent, and that made me sad for the past versions of myself. i want to hold them and convince them of their beauty. this realization is part of the great thing about being alone. no one else is here to determine whether i’m pretty or not, and i don’t have to try and criticize myself through other people’s eyes.
- some part of me always knew that i must be sort of pretty because people say i look like my mom. when i first looked at her wedding photos when i was younger, i remember thinking that i couldnt wait to look like that. i think i do now, and i guess i don’t care if that sounds conceited.
how is it possible to feel different like this in the span of a week or so? i hope its not fleeting. or maybe we’re always changing like this but can’t pause long enough to realize.

6/19, my gift to myself for my bday were all the lessons i’ve learned so far by being alone. that, and a new pair of earrings.

so how did i spend my birthday alone? jeepers. long story short, i had a fucking blast. i went to my favorite restaurant, enjoyed the live music and colombian classics, and became friends with the other lovely strangers at the bar who were determined to make my birthday memorable. i felt so special.

6/20-6/25, off to Atacama!

i was not prepared for this 4 day trip to the desert. i thought it was going to be very hot and only cold at night. throughout my trip and the many excursions i took, I realized quickly that I was very, very wrong. i experienced 45 mph winds, -10.5C temperatures, and 25C degrees all in the span of one day.
the sights were beautiful. seeing flamingos alone made the trip worth it. i could’ve stayed all day watching them flourish in the wild. i was sad that i didn’t know they could fly! they were so majestic. they migrate to argentina at night by following the light of the moon. im happy that i dont associate them with tacky lawn decorations anymore.

as much as i loved the sights, it was depressing being alone. unlike the city of Santiago where it isn’t rare to see people by themselves, almost everyone vacationing at Atacama were couples and families. I was constantly reminded of how much i missed my loved ones.
considering how alone i felt at atacama, i realized that my thoughts were getting darker. now that i’m back in santiago, im feeling better again. while i was in that mindset i noticed something important: i love reading when i love life, because it enhances my mind and it often makes me think deeper. on the flip side, im attached to my screen when i’m struggling because it allows me to feel numb.

That’s all for now! i hope you enjoyed <3 my goal until i post again is to not let myself spend the entire day working in bed. even if i really really don’t want to leave, i wanna make myself do it for at least 5 minutes because i know i’ll feel better.

Melanie’s Substack

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